Decisions, we make hundreds of them everyday. Little ones. We decide to get up (or not). To shower, dress, choose to make this or that for breakfast, lunch or dinner. To write. To go to work. To ask for help when we need it. Decisions — hundreds, all the time that we don’t think about — we just do them, go through the motions. But they’re all decisions and choices.
Then there’s the big ones. The ones we fret and worry and think about. The ones that wake us up in the middle of night, heart pounding, wondering, Should I or shouldn’t I? If I do, what if this happens? If I don’t, what if that happens? Those big, life-changing ones that well, change your life.
Big Fat Life Changers
We’ve all made those big fat life changers. To get married. To live with someone. To make a commitment. To move to another place. To quit a job, take a chance. Reinvent ourselves. Or sometimes, because we don’t make them, something happens that forces us to do so.
Several years ago, I was living in a city far from my family, on my own. My Mom sent me an ad from a newspaper where they all lived and suggested I apply on it. I wasn’t that happy, but I had built up plenty of walls and I wanted it to stay that way. I was fiercely independent and it’d taken me awhile to get there. Had she sent me that ad on another day, I would’ve thrown it away. But that particular day, I decided, what the heck, I’ll apply. I did, they called and I drove over 400 miles for the interview.
I drove back and had a message on my answering machine when I got home. They wanted me, out of several applicants, they wanted me. I had to be there in two weeks. I fretted and meditated and prayed and consulted the I Ching, went to a psychic. I did alot of things to try to get signs from someone somewhere to make my decision.
Then, it dawned on me that the decision was made — the moment I sent my resume. What were the odds of that happening? What did I have to lose? So I rented a U-haul that I thought would hold all my belongings (it didn’t) and then I had to make the decision to just leave the stuff that wouldn’t fit in there behind.
I gave it away — furniture, food, plants, whatever — I gave it all away. That’s when I began leaving money in drawers — you know for the new occupants that would live in the place I left. I thought that would make someone happy when they found it, maybe help them make a decision. Sometimes it’d be a dollar or two, sometimes five, ten, twenty, whatever I could leave. I’ve done that to this day. It’s good karma, I think.
Anyway, on the day I left, my dearest friend was there, helping me. I asked him, sobbing, “What if this is wrong? What if this isn’t what I’m supposed to do?” He looked at me and said, “B, if this wasn’t what you were supposed to do, you wouldn’t be doing it.”
Big fat life changer.
And On It Goes
I think that major decision helped me to make other big ones. I’m not saying I’ve not fretted and worried over making them. Hubby and I have moved several times since we’ve been together — sometimes we’ve made the decision to do so and sometimes the decision was made for us. But, ultimately, the decision, the choice was mine, his, ours.
That’s the beauty of it. Really, only we can make those decisions and choices that make our live turn out this way or that way and how we react to the results of those decisions/choices is maybe even more important. Little ones and big fat life changers that get us to where we need to be, want to go or where we end up at this moment of our lives.
Then sometimes, I think the right decision is not making one at all. Even that, is a decision. To wait. To reflect. Then when you do make that big decision to know that if you’re weren’t supposed to do it, well then you probably wouldn’t be doing it, would you?
Happy Monday everyone and enjoy some Beatles this morning.